All It Takes Is A Moment to Remember the Past
by MD2gether4ever
Summary: Just a continuation of what I think should happen after "An Honest Mistake". So far it's a one-shot but I might make it a three-shot, depending on the reviews. I don't own anything!


**I'm thinking about making this a 3-shot, but after you read this tell me what you think! If you didn't already know, this is a continuation of what I want to happen after the ending to "An Honest Mistake."**

She sat with him the whole time. She never got up, never left to do something else. She just sat, by him, as he drunk the whole bottle of alcohol in less than 20 minutes, and she wasn't going to leave anytime soon. She wasn't ever going to leave.

She was done with that. The leaving part. The running away. She was done. She talked to Dr. Wyatt and she got better. She got ready for commitment, and once she realized that it wasn't that scary, she wasn't ever going to go back to her old self. Derek needs her, just like she needs him, but tonight, tonight it's all about Derek.

She had never thought she'd be the one helping Derek. Ok maybe that was stretching the truth, but it had never occurred to her that Derek would, could, break down like this. That he could be human.

Everyone knows Derek as the strong person. He keeps people going and helps us stay strong, so it comes as a shocker to know that once in a while even the strongest of people sometimes can't hold it together.

He cracked today. A crack that was filled with blood and broken faces, and a sudden yield in a friendship. All the stress he has had building up over the past week finally got too much and he took it out on his best friend.

This was not the Derek Shepherd Meredith knew. This was a side of him she had never seen before.

Maybe it was a good thing she didn't see it until now. If she had seen it last year she would of undoubtly ran from it, because she wouldn't know what to do. And she still doesn't know what to do. She can't stand to see Derek, the love of her life, so broken. He's confused and upset and depressed and she doesn't know how to handle it.

He doesn't want to talk, not yet anyway, which with the day he's had is understandable, but he also can't do nothing. Which is why Meredith gave him the alcohol. It was the only thing she could think of right now.

She thought that for tonight it'd be ok, but for only tonight. By tomorrow she'd get him talking because she needs to know what's going on. She needs to know what's wrong, so she can fix it and he can become the Derek that he truly is. The strong Derek. The happy Derek. The Derek she fell in love with. She still loves him, even when he's in this state, she just wants him to be happy again.

2 hours later......

They're still sitting on the couch. Just sitting, nothing more. The bottle is long gone and Meredith is watching Derek as he lays on the couch exhausted, drunk, and depressed, and she waits. He hasn't said anything, and she doesn't expect him to say anything, but she wants to be sure that he's doing better. And that if she walks away he won't go and try to kill himself.

He's facing away from her, but she can tell from the quick pace of his breathing that he's still awake.  
He finally turns to face her and she can see the despair in his eyes. His face is all cut up from the fight even after she tried to clean it up, his eyes are bloodshot from the alcohol and the lack of sleep. He hasn't shaved in a few days and his face looks worn. A person can look at his face and make up a bunch of different stories of what happened, but one look in his eyes tells everything.

"Oh Dere." She breathes as she reaches forward and runs her fingers through his hair. She looks on and sees a single tear run down his cheek. Her heart breaks into a million pieces for him just watching it.

She puts her hand on his cheek and wipes it away with her thumb, and despite all that he's been through today, he leans into her touch.

"It's going to be ok."

"You don't know that." His voice comes out shaky. His words are raspy and no louder than a whisper.

He starts to turn away again, but Meredith isn't having it. He's already began talking, so she knows he can do it, and she's going to try and get all that she can out of him right now.

"Derek, what's going on?" She asks in a voice that is both gentle, and commanding.

"Nothing."

She can't believe he's actually going to try that move. Of course something is wrong, and both he and Meredith know it. What exactly is the question.

"Derek you just beat up your best friend. I know you've had a rough day with Jen dy—"

"Don't say it. Please."

"With all you've been through, but Derek normally you won't go a beat up people afterwards. Something is going on. Please tell me what it is."

"I killed her, it's my fault."

"Derek, people make mistakes, and out of all the things that could've gone wrong in that OR, this one wasn't nearly as bad. You got the bleeding to stop, Jen got blood, and she made it out alive. What happened after was, unexpected and was a rare reaction to the transfused blood."

"But if I had never been stupid enough to knick the aneurism blood wouldn't have had to have been used, and then the reaction wouldn't have occurred, and then all the crap after that, and then Jen would still be alive right now! But no! Because of me Jen is dead, and I killed her."

"Derek…..why is this affecting you so much? This is just like any patient, some live some die, we can't save them all. Why are you acting like this now?"

"Jen wasn't like the other patients I've had lately. She was a patient that deserved to live. She was expecting a child and her and her husband were happy. The last two patients I've had have been complete jack-asses. The first was the PDR patient, who I saved in the OR, and the second was Archer, the man who's been a complete ass his whole life!"

"But you were amazing in Archer's surgery Derek. Addison came to you with a case where they had little hope, and you were able to save him."

"Saving Archer for Addison I really didn't mind, but saving Archer for Archer, not so much. Jen deserved to live."

"So is that what this is about? That the good ones never live? But Derek, the good ones do live. In the clinical trial, Beth lived."

"But Jeremy didn't."

"Derek.."

"It's the fact that the people who deserve to live, who I want to live, don't. Or it's the fact that I can't do anything to save them. They are right there, or right in the next room, and I'm helpless. I can't help them. Like with Jen today. I waited right by her bedside, for three days, so I'd be there if anything went wrong, because I'm tired of not being able to do anything, but even then I couldn't help her."

"When have you not been able to do anything Derek?"

He stopped talking and turned away. He was hiding something.

"Derek?"

"You."

"What?"

"You. I couldn't save you. I wasn't able to do anything to help you."

"Derek, I'm still not following. Can you please look at me?"

He turned back to face her and she waited for him to continue.

"Every time I lost a patient because I couldn't do anything to help, it always brought me back to the day you fell in the water and I had to wait outside while you were literally in the next room. I felt lost and I kept thinking it was my fault. And days like today, when it really was my fault, it brings back the memory harder. When I can't save them, I can't save you."

"Derek, the drowning, _my_ drowning, was not your fault. You had nothing to do with it. You need to stop beating yourself up over this. I am here. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere, not unless you're with me. You can count on that. Here…"

Meredith takes his hand and lightly puts it over her heart.

"My heart is beating, I am here."

She gently moves it to the middle of her chest.

"I am breathing, I am here. I am not going anywhere."

"You're here."

"I'm here."

"Ok."

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